Tag Archives: played it for 5 minutes

Elder Scrolls Online: Logging in

Yes, sometimes I play games that have just been released. Try not to faint.

And yes, “Logging in” is possibly the lamest blog title that has ever been written by anyone anywhere. I don’t care. It’s appropriate.

I’m only about 30 or so minutes into ESO, and at Level 3 if I recall correctly, so I won’t talk too much about the quality of the game or compare it to WoW or anything like that.

I will talk a small amount about one particular thing that ticked me off.

To start, Bethesda made my favourite game ever, Fallout 3. Second, I got ESO for sale on Steam for 1/2 price ($30) including 30 days of playtime. Excellent deal. Third, Skyrim was the most fun I’ve had gaming in a LONG time. I haven’t played any earlier Elder Scrolls games (though Morrowind and Oblivion are among the long list of Steam games I own but haven’t played).

Thus, Elder Scrolls Online has a lot of rope with me.


You freakin’ guys.

I couldn’t login to the game after I bought it. Seriously.

Normal steps in playing a game you buy from Steam:

  1. Buy the game (why not? you got a sweet deal, else why are you buying the game?)
  2. Download the game.
  3. Hit ‘Play’
  4. DirectX auto-installs… again…
  5. Steam pops up your game key
  6. You Cntr-C said game key because, hey, sometimes you need it.
  7. If the game is kinda lame, you go to its website to create an account… *cough* EA *cough*
  8. The game fires up, you enter your account info.
  9. BOOM you’re playing the game and shooting zombies or whatever.

That’s like 9 steps max. More like 3 if you’re not an idiot.

ESO has a secret step.


Good Gord, what a piece of crap sign-in process.

After that, I had a freakin’ blast creating my Lizard-man stealthy guy.

PS – watch this video shared to me by Rocketbouchard.
Megaman + learning about learning in games = super-rad times.


Afterburner – Game the game

Afterburner is a pretty boring game


My first attempt resulted in a lame score and only Stage 3

But I’m not sure why. I mean, it has all the elements that should make it pretty awesome (and why little Forsoothed would’ve thought it was awesome): you pilot a sweet F14, your missles ‘lock on’, you get to shoot billions of enemies, it’s not impossibly hard (possibly the name of someone’s sex tape)…

I can’t believe you clicked on that link, you perv! (srsly though, it’s SFW)

Maybe it’s just an example of a game/style that’s been done better as time moves on? Or maybe the ‘fly in a straight line with no real control over where you’re going format’ just doesn’t have any staying power once you’re past the coolness of the F14?

WHO DO I WORK FOR AND WHAT I’M I ACCOMPLISHING HERE? Are we at war? Who are we? What is war?



Warning – “game studies” sentences incoming

Afterburner is probably an example of a seriously ludo-game like Tetris, no story whatsoever, but without the interesting mechanics. A ludo-game without the “fun”.

End “game studies”


Anyhoo, the good parts: all of the aforementioned cool stuff, plus you get to launch from an aircraft carrier, the ‘Sega Enterprise’. Oh Sega, you do go on. The gameplay is quite crisp and since I’m not going to have the patience to play through the boredom, I immediately wanted to find a cheat to see what the bosses (if there are bosses) would be like. Apparently there are 18 stages in Afterburner, I think I made it to 5 or 6 with some real effort.

Final thoughts, or “After” burner (oh self, you do go on)

In retrospect, this should’ve been a ‘played it for 5’ game: worth resurrecting for a quick (barrel) roll, but I’ve spent more time writing about Afterburner than actually playing it.

You let me down younger self, you let me down.

I did get better, 10X my first go-round #hardcore

I did get better, 10X my first go-round #hardcore


R-Type – Sega Master System – Played it for 5

All I remembered was that this game was awesome. And it delivered.

psychologytoday.com (seriously!?!)

I played R-Type for a few minutes yesterday AND IT IS FREAKING AMAZING! I think this thing did my grocery shopping, walked my dog, and invented happiness all while giving me a back massage and telling me I looked amazing today.

I love this damn game. And heck, R-Type probably had the coolest Master System cover (they were generally REALLY bad)


I think there are a few versions of this game, and certainly a few sequels, but I played the Sega Master System version. I remember vaguely playing this game as a kid, but it’s occupied a sweet spot in my heart since then… with River City Ransom and Contra… ahhhhhh

Really, what’s not to love about R-Type? Getting massive powerups (seriously, there was so much carnage that I didn’t even notice when I picked up sweet homing missles… sweet) to kill freaking aliens who are filling the screen trying to kill you… so good.

Read: my previous played it for 5, Altered Beast

And finally, for your viewing pleasure, an original ad for the Sega Master System… so good.

Altered Beast – Genesis – played it for 5

Introducing: “I played for 5 minutes”

In my journey through the land of old, retro games I’ve been finding that I’ll sometimes play a title for a few minutes, then put it down and never really get back to it. My hunch is that this phenomenon happens for one of a few reasons:

  1. The game might have a really steep skill/ learning curve. I’m guessing this is going to happen to me on real killers like Mega-Man. I remember trying out the series as a kid and having no success then – I’m guessing old me is going to get killed… a lot… and not make it very far.
  2. The game might take more of a time investment than I’m willing to give. Some of the big RPG’s will probably land here. Though, if I come to one of those games I really should know what to expect, so if I give one of them up it’s really on me.
  3. Finally, the game might just be rubbish. Let’s face it. Some games haven’t aged well. Some games would’ve appeal to a younger version of me. Some games have just always been terrible, which brings me to…

Altered Beast


Altered Beast is the perfect game for the inaugural Played it for 5.

This is a dumb game.

I think Altered Beast was originally included with my Sega Genesis when I got it and I don’t remember ever liking it. At least partially so, because I was epically and completely bad at it. Now I was/am bad at most old games, but I was/ continue to be ridiculously, embarrassingly, hilariously, side-splittingly bad at Altered Beast.

So bad in fact, that I don’t remember ever getting past the 1st boss.

I mean, good Gord! There’s a flying thing that descends on your head to kill you AND YOU CAN’T STOP IT. Stupidity abounds!

There’s a flying thing that descends on your head to kill you AND YOU CAN’T STOP IT

Stupid evil bird thing

Altered Beast is a bad game. It’s really bad.

And seriously, what’s up with this guy?

What's this guy's deal?